"And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is My disciple, I will tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward."
My heart is one that ALWAYS wants to lend a hand, help anyone I can. I literally sat in church yesterday with tears streaming down my face as I listened the different needs of those in our community. All the different missions that need hands and feet...and I could literally volunteer and donate all my income and time to most who ask. I have no filter to what I desire to give and do and be.
And God knew that about me. Because He provided me a husband who is very grounded and realistic. Ha! And brings balance to my life. He also blessed me with 2 children, one through birth, and one through adoption...who have special needs. Needs that require so much of my attention, energy, and time, emotions, heartache, celebrations, and life.
Over the past few year's, God has revealed to me so much about boundaries, and the ones I am to stay within to best serve my family and take care of myself. My natural tendency is to give until I am exhausted, overwhelmed and depleted, which isn't God's desire for me or anyone else. He created me with gifts that were meant for specific projects, people, and times. And I have to check myself when approached with a new opportunity or project.
We adopted my son, Blake, from Ukraine in 2011. He was 2 at the time. We had a birthday party at the orphanage. We brought in McDonald's and toys for all the other kids in his orphanage groupa. We sang songs and brought as much life into a sad place, as we could. I remember watching the kids screaming, jumping, and calling me "Mama" and Jerad "Papa." Just begging us to bring them home. Desiring love, something they barely knew. But I could only bring 1 child home. Despite my desire to bring them all home, no matter the cost. Or time. Or energy. At that moment I wanted to help them all experience love and hope and a new life.
But it wasn't within my boundary. Or my calling. And for a good year after Blake's adoption, I couldn't buy anything nice for myself. I couldn't spend money on anything extra. I couldn't justify any expenses outside the necessities of life. I would get angry when my kids wouldn't finish their food, calling them inconsiderate and ungrateful. Knowing just across the world, there were kids, who were once part of Blake's everyday life who would LOVE to eat at a table with family. And they would not complain.
And that mentality has slowly lifted as time as has passed on and I've worked through it. But it is still a hard thing for me. I remember those dark, lifeless eyes. The desperation. I remember the slime of the white substance floating in fat that they ate for lunch everyday. And it pains me. Almost to the point where I punish myself for wanting nice things, buying nice things, or spending money on myself. It is hard for me to enjoy things sometimes or even feel like celebrating when my heart is burdened by those who don't have anything.
And I know that isn't fair or right. It's a definite battle for me. I saved one. I did what I was called to do, and that is all God has called me to right now.
And my new mission has turned to saving women, much like myself...who need to set boundaries. Who need to figure out their true passions and purposes. To answer their callings and set everything else aside. Who are/were like me and gave everything to everyone out of the burden's of their hearts. Who almost punish themselves for wanting to take time for themselves or buy themselves nice things...because they see the needs out there, that seem greater than our selfish desires.
Yet this is wrong. Being overwhelmed isn't God's calling on our lives. It is NOT. He gave us very specific gifts, interests, callings, and purposes that we are to work within and out of to best serve His people. And that requires us slowing down to figure out what those are...and where they fit into our lives now. We have to make some tough decisions. And say "NO" to a few things before we figure it out. Lots of peeling back the layers and asking hard questions.
But it is worth it. I may not be at the next PTO meeting or the next big church event...because my calling is to work from within the boundaries of my kids needs, from home, behind a computer...impacting other women, like myself, who's circumstances don't allow them to socialize nearly as much as other's.
But that's ok. I'm okay with that now. It is still hard not to feel guilty and compare my seemingly pointless efforts in private to other's larger than life appearances at all the big social events...
So I still struggle too. But I'm much more confident now, saying "No" because I know where my passion and purpose lie. And what God has gifted me with for this place/time in life right now.
What will you quit this week that no longer serves your purpose/passion in life?
