The Silent Prayers.

The best advice I ever received related to my thinking and approach now, when it comes to serving, came from a single mom of teenagers, who worked full-time, and had her own set of demons to manage.  

We were at a women's event at church. People were discussing all the ways they served in the church. Nursery. Children's church. College hour. Service Saturday's. Mission work overseas. Bible School. Mom's night out during the week. Food prep for funerals and weddings.  And I remember sitting there listening to everyone share their good deeds.  And was so impressed with all they did, could do, and were planning to do.  

I remember thinking "how do they do it all?" I had 3 children, 2 within a similar age to each other. Two with special needs not including that one was just adopted from an orphanage.  And yet as I sat there, I felt this heaviness...like I wasn't doing "enough."  

And it haunted me for a long while.  I would think about signing up for the next big event and then Jerad would be called into work and I'd have to cancel. Or I'd be up with Blake all night before a morning service project --after he had night terrors.  And I would have to back out.

I felt worthless. I couldn't do it all like they seemingly were able.  And although these were lies I was allowing myself to believe...I felt I had nothing to offer.

I loved fitness. Working out.  I was always uncomfortable around large groups of women because I never seemed to relate to a lot of their struggles.  I had my own.  

And one day, while finally releasing this heaviness of not feeling like I was "enough" to this single mama--because I couldn't contribute to the service projects of the community, church, and women's groups...I told her I felt horrible like I should apologize because I had nothing to offer.

And I'll never forget the words she said to me..."ANNA...you are a momma of young kids, ones with special needs, just because you don't make a physical appearance at these community events so your presence can be known and praised...doesn't mean you can't contribute in other ways.  Girl, NEVER, ever EVER discount the power of a written note and a prayer."

She went on to tell me she spent many of her year's looking out for women she felt God laid on her heart, or who she personally witnessed needing a "pick me up" and she would mail them a handwritten note telling them she was thinking of them, and spoke whatever wisdom she had from her heart into their life. She said she had no idea the number of letter's she had written over the year's as her kids were young.  She said, "yeah, nobody saw my presence or even knew of my letter's unless they had received one..." but it made no difference to God.  I was sending written and silent prayers that WERE JUST AS POWERFUL...and gave me a sense of purpose and service.

From that week on, my entire outlook of serving was changed. I spent my time buying up cheap stationary. I walked around with open eyes looking and searching for who desperately wanted attention and need to be noticed. Seeing who might need a lift. Possibly, just a recognition and affirmation of who they are and were...and I would put my pen to paper.

Now my handwritten notes have since turned more into messages on facebook or email's...simple snaps on snapchat...or an IG video.  But the concept still remains.  I NOW believe and KNOW the power of the silent prayers and spoken/written words. Other's may not know, but that's ok. The people who do know, were supposed too know.  

And for that, I feel I have a purpose. My gifts are "enough." And I am serving in this stage of life as I can, with my kids situations, and needs...God has given me a outlet--AND for that I'm thankful. <3

He will certainly not lose his reward...

"And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is My disciple, I will tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward."

My heart is one that ALWAYS wants to lend a hand, help anyone I can.  I literally sat in church yesterday with tears streaming down my face as I listened the different needs of those in our community. All the different missions that need hands and feet...and I could literally volunteer and donate all my income and time to most who ask. I have no filter to what I desire to give and do and be.

And God knew that about me.  Because He provided me a husband who is very grounded and realistic. Ha! And brings balance to my life.  He also blessed me with 2 children, one through birth, and one through adoption...who have special needs.  Needs that require so much of my attention, energy, and time, emotions, heartache, celebrations, and life.  

Over the past few year's, God has revealed to me so much about boundaries, and the ones I am to stay within to best serve my family and take care of myself.  My natural tendency is to give until I am exhausted, overwhelmed and depleted, which isn't God's desire for me or anyone else.  He created me with gifts that were meant for specific projects, people, and times. And I have to check myself when approached with a new opportunity or project. 

We adopted my son, Blake, from Ukraine in 2011. He was 2 at the time.  We had a birthday party at the orphanage. We brought in McDonald's and toys for all the other kids in his orphanage groupa. We sang songs and brought as much life into a sad place, as we could.  I remember watching the kids screaming, jumping, and calling me "Mama" and Jerad "Papa."  Just begging us to bring them home. Desiring love, something they barely knew.  But I could only bring 1 child home.  Despite my desire to bring them all home, no matter the cost.  Or time. Or energy. At that moment I wanted to help them all experience love and hope and a new life.  

But it wasn't within my boundary.  Or my calling.  And for a good year after Blake's adoption, I couldn't buy anything nice for myself.  I couldn't spend money on anything extra.  I couldn't justify any expenses outside the necessities of life.  I would get angry when my kids wouldn't finish their food, calling them inconsiderate and ungrateful.  Knowing just across the world, there were kids, who were once part of Blake's everyday life who would LOVE to eat at a table with family.  And they would not complain.

And that mentality has slowly lifted as time as has passed on and I've worked through it.  But it is still a hard thing for me.  I remember those dark, lifeless eyes. The desperation.  I remember the slime of the white substance floating in fat that they ate for lunch everyday.  And it pains me.  Almost to the point where I punish myself for wanting nice things, buying nice things, or spending money on myself.  It is hard for me to enjoy things sometimes or even feel like celebrating when my heart is burdened by those who don't have anything.

And I know that isn't fair or right.  It's a definite battle for me.  I saved one. I did what I was called to do, and that is all God has called me to right now.  

And my new mission has turned to saving women, much like myself...who need to set boundaries. Who need to figure out their true passions and purposes.  To answer their callings and set everything else aside. Who are/were like me and gave everything to everyone out of the burden's of their hearts.  Who almost punish themselves for wanting to take time for themselves or buy themselves nice things...because they see the needs out there, that seem greater than our selfish desires.  

Yet this is wrong. Being overwhelmed isn't God's calling on our lives. It is NOT.  He gave us very specific gifts, interests, callings, and purposes that we are to work within and out of to best serve His people.  And that requires us slowing down to figure out what those are...and where they fit into our lives now.  We have to make some tough decisions.  And say "NO" to a few things before we figure it out.  Lots of peeling back the layers and asking hard questions.

But it is worth it.  I may not be at the next PTO meeting or the next big church event...because my calling is to work from within the boundaries of my kids needs, from home, behind a computer...impacting other women, like myself, who's circumstances don't allow them to socialize nearly as much as other's.

But that's ok. I'm okay with that now. It is still hard not to feel guilty and compare my seemingly pointless efforts in private to other's larger than life appearances at all the big social events...

So I still struggle too.  But I'm much more confident now, saying "No" because I know where my passion and purpose lie.  And what God has gifted me with for this place/time in life right now. 

What will you quit this week that no longer serves your purpose/passion in life?

To the Mom's "Who Just Want a Healthy Baby"

I remember I used to say that.

"I don't care if we have a baby boy or baby girl, I just want her to be healthy."

Blake was proud to be Baker Blake yesterday.

Not that I was wrong for saying it. But now I look back after a lot of life experience and wonder what I truly meant by that.

Like I want my baby to have 5 finger's and toes?

Or I want my baby to look and act like other babies?

Hmmm. I'm not sure I even really knew what I was saying when I said it.

But now my whole view is different, and I look at "healthy" babies and kids in a whole new light.

I have 2 kids with special needs.

1 child has Down Syndrome.

1 child has Sensory Processing/Speech/Language/Anxiety and other diagnoses.

And they are both healthy in my eyes.

I follow a lot of friends on Facebook, other mom's and dad's who's kids have different diagnoses and I look at their kids as AMAZING little humans in this world who probably have a better grip and understanding on life than us all.

In fact, most of my experiences with kids with special needs has lead to me learning something about myself, my perspective, my views, my intentions and SO much more.

Could it be our fear of our kids being unhealthy is a direct reflection of our own insecurities or inabilities?  It might magnify our struggles or true heart.

Or are we fearful we won't be able to take care of or meet the needs of our child with special needs? Because in my experience, God knows what He's doing and if designed us to be these kiddo's parents, then we are more than equipped.

I don't know the answers.  I'm still trying to figure them out myself.

But what I do know is, These special kids are LIFE-CHANGER'S.  Their momma's and daddy's can attest to that.  Their teacher's and para's and Sunday School teacher's will agree with that.  These kid's have a purpose and a light inside them that none of us can ever have. Even if they don't seem to have a voice. They WILL have an impact we quote "normal" people can never have. Sometimes through unspoken, indescribable words.

And I don't know about you...but I'm HONORED to be a mom of 2 children who may have a medical diagnoses as unhealthy...but who's hearts and soul's can light up a room, a community, and a world. 

Here are a few of my favorite family's who's lives are impacted by kid's with special needs BUT who are better off because of it.  DON'T get me wrong, there are days we hate the conditions our kids have to go through and we hate what their diagnosis does to them...and it's NOT easy.  BUT they are our children and we will fight for them however we can.  And because of that, we are stronger.

Who the HE$$ Am I ?

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about not needing to explain everything. How I don't anyone who isn't near and dear to me a explanation for a LOT of things...but what I am also realizing is people have NO clue the life we live either.

And I don't mean in some weird, creepy sort of way. But in a real life way...

The dynamic of our home is a LOT different than most. Here's how.
1) Our son has Down Syndrome.
2) My oldest is on the Autism Spectrum and deals with high anxiety and behavior disorders.
3) My son spent his first 2 years in an orphanage in another country, so we deal daily with shame, abandonment, and fear.
4) We are adoptive parents.
5) I am an entrepreneur.
6) I don't like large crowds.  And always feel awkward around people.
7) We have moved 4 times in the past 7 years.
8) My only hobby, interest, and enjoyment for myself is working out.
9) I am a home-body.
10) I am exhausted most days.
11) I go to bed early, get up early.
12) I don't have many friends, I am actually pretty introverted. And most of my friends don't understand the life I live.
13) I feel most confident and pretty with a barbell in my hands.
14) I exhaust myself on those around me, I am VERY loyal.
15) My heart breaks for orphans, especially those with special needs.
16) I could adopt every child if I could.
17) I never wanted to be a mom.
18) My kids HAVE a to be on a very strict schedule.
19) I have held my kids down doing joint compressions to help them calm down before bed many a night, with tears running down my face.
20) I have had to create "safe" places in our home for my children with behavioral issues to go so they don't hurt themselves or others. 21) We can't go anywhere late at night because my 2 children with special needs will be up late, completely overwhelmed and overstimulated by the noise, out of routine, and people...and will stem all night long.
22) I have the constant worry about my son running away in the middle of the night, because he wanders away constantly.
23) I have to open my van door and immediately slam my leg in front of my son's car door when we get out to go somewhere, because he has jumped out in front of traffic too many times.
24)  I can't talk to my oldest about typical "girl pre-teen stuff" because she doesn't understand or have the filter for what's repeatable or appropriate to bring up in discussion elsewhere.
25) I have to spend a lot of time preparing my 2 children with special needs' meals because both are on strict diet's for their behavior's and anxiety.
26) We go to every therapist there is for every issue there is. Physical, emotional, behavioral, occupational, speech, mental...
27) I am really strong and physically fit because it is ALL I have...it is the only safe place for me to let all of the stress and emotions I swallow daily, OUT.

So what you see on social media is a perfect world of working out, physical fitness, nutrition tips...and a few mom moments sprinkled in...AND that's JUST one small part of who I am and MY world.  Here's a glimpse into the rest of my day.  So don't assume you know what I deal with. Or don't assume you can't do what I do. Don't believe that everyone else's life is perfect, but yours.  It's not. We all have our things. Our issues.  Our skeletons in the closet.  These are not excuses, but a reminder to give a little more grace, so not be quick to judge, to not assume you know the "type."  BUT to LOVE. First and foremost.  BEFORE you judge.

I do what I can.  With what I have.  And put myself, my family, my marriage before all else.  And I work, REALLY hard at anything I do. It is all I know.  THAT is IT.  No more, no less.