Because I Am Her.

I like going out with friends... But it can be SO energy sapping for me.  And I have no clue why.

I like socializing with other women and interacting.  But I come home SO worn out.

I would love to be out and about with all of the events I am invited too, but I also know I have to leave most of my energy on RESERVE.  It's what we mom's do.  Especially us mom's of a child with a behavioral disorder.  You never know what you are going to have to deal with...and when.  A flip can be switched at anytime...and you have to be in full on-call parenting ability, to put out fires, and control the chaos.  And try to remain patient.

It's become a parenting protective mechanism I think I've developed over time.  I can't let myself get too exhausted or I can not be a good parent at home.  I know this.  And kids with behavioral issues are VERY sensitive to this exhaustion, as if they almost can pinpoint it and act out as a result.  

But I still find myself perplexed by my inability to enjoy outing's and get -together's without being drained for days after...and it's not ALL my kids fault. ;)

Photo Courtesy of 3Twenty Photography

And here's what I've learned.

I TAKE upon myself the issues of other's.  

You see, I have this sixth sense about struggles people are going through.  It's like I can see right through the face of perfection the people I'm around are trying to portray.  

I can see the sadness behind the pretending perfection.

I can see the desperation behind the perfectly toned body on display.

I can see the need for affirmation behind the "good 'ol gal" heart.

I can see the fear behind the designer jeans and purses.

I can see the exhaustion behind the people pleasing.

And not only can I see it.  I feel it. 

Because I have been her.

I AM HER.

I know what it's like to experience all of these things.  It's tiring.  It's wearing.  But what I've learned most of all, is it doesn't have to be that way.

When we realize no one has it all together.  Everyone has their own skeletons in their closet.  We are all imperfect.  And most of us are just one step away from a break down...

We can let ourselves off the hook.  We give ourselves permission to be broken.  Therefore we give other's the ability to be broken too.

And it is the most freeing thing you can ever experience. It's indescribable with words.

And I LONG for every person to experience this freedom from shame, guilt, fear, and hopelessness.

And THAT's what exhausts me.  I finally figured it out.  

My heart breaks.  My soul aches.  

My mind stays busy because I so desperately want to say, 

"I see you.  I feel your struggle.  I get it.  And it's OK.  It IS OK!! So just stop.  Just stop all of this...And be you."

Do you REALLY think you are CALLED to be a fitness trainer?

(watch this video by Brene Brown first)

I had a tea date with a friend yesterday afternoon.  My friend is working her way through Wellness Coaching, and I've agreed to be her guinea pig for a few months.  And quite honestly, it has been great for me.

Sometimes you don't realize how strong you are and have to be for everyone around you...until you try to tell someone else what your struggle is or what you've dealt with so far that day, or week...who isn't inside your "inner circle" and already knows.  And they become almost overwhelmed and need to take a break...mid-convo...

And after we got into the session and the initial conversation over with...she asked me bluntly, "do you REALLY think you are CALLED to be a fitness trainer?"

And I was almost taken aback. Umm, yes. It's what excites me, it's what I'm passionate about, it's who I am.  What I do.  What I'm known for.  It's in my soul.

And then she hits me with this: "you spend SO much more time investing in PEOPLE...as in, you go straight for the heart of the matter, from what I've observed.  You get to know people.  Like really know them, know them.  People have this attraction to you because of your vulnerability...and understanding.  When I hear you talk about people, it's NEVER related to their fitness ability or lately lift...it's about their struggle or frustration that you want guidance helping them with..."

She asked if that sounded accurate.  I said yes.

She said, "did you notice I didn't mention one thing about exercise or fitness in that entire statement? Has it occurred to you ever, that you use fitness as a platform...or maybe you don't even know you do...BUT that YOUR true calling might be, in fact, helping women find themselves again??!  As in, learning to value their own worth.  Seeing themselves as enough.  And realizing their struggle is OK. You have a gift of encouragement.  And a sensitivity to know what women are really dealing with before they even tell you.

I'm going to go so far as to say, "people aren't drawn to you for your fitness know-how (typically), or for your muscles, or strength...they are actually drawn to you for heart, your humility, and your courage....WHICH come only from your ability to be vulnerable..."

And THAT is not normal in today's society for women.

So she asked me point blank if I'm hiding behind my fitness as my calling? Or if I had ever really stepped back, removed fitness from the forefront of my assumptions, and REALLY spent time learning what I am on this planet for.  What my impact will be.  Or is, currently.

And it has my mind going 1000 different ways.  I don't know any of those answers.  But I also hadn't ever really stepped back and asked myself why I truly love fitness and coaching fitness, before.  

But one thing I have gotten clarity on...is it's NOT the fitness.  Otherwise I wouldn't be content coaching so many variations of fitness for people in so many ways. CrossFit. Powerlifting. Oly Lifting. Running. Beachbody. Adaptive folks...

The fitness isn't my passion. Nope.

It's the people.

...and she may be onto something.