Did God Make Her This Way...?

Did God know before she was born, that He would need her to be strong? Silent? Confident in her own right? 

Not reliant on the presence of close-knit friendships in her life? Did He know she wouldn't have patience for small talk, but only time to go "there" and get to the heart of the conversation now or never? 

Did He give her a sixth sense about knowing people's true struggles behind their fake masquerades because He knew she'd need to be picky about who she let "in" her life? 

Did He give her a desire for solitude? And a love for working hard unnoticed, in the corner of her barn, sometimes through sweat and tears, as a relief from the internal struggles, knowing she wouldn't be able to leave often? But knowing she would need an outlet? 

Did He give her continuous struggles in life recognizing her need to be broken to best do her job at home? Knowing others won't understand? But she would?

Did He remove her ability to form close knit, social friendships because her ability to maintain them is next to impossible with kids that struggle like hers do? 

Did He create her with a high pain tolerance and a strong will, to fight when she needed too? 

Did He create Her this way...for such a time as this?

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He did.

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Being a parent of a child with mental health issues is something none of us can describe. And most of us can't even put to words.  Mainly because we don't want that stigma or label on our children, born of our blood and because we can't expect you to understand.

It's not something you can call your church prayer line for, because it would be constant.  And again, you don't want that label on your kids.

And you can't schedule social events or going out late with friends and because you have to be emotionally ready 24/7. You are always on call.  Vacations are hard because you constantly worry about how tired you will be when you get home, knowing they've been out of their comfortable routine and HELL will most likely break loose upon your return. Sometimes taking a week to recover.  

You don't have energy to pour anything else into others, because emotionally you are tapped out.  And most women are exhausted by your venting because who wants to talk about depression, medication, therapy, and behavior modifications over drinks at a party.  But that is your life and you have nothing else to discuss or share about.  So you just remain silent because its easier and more acceptable.

You workouts are your only other getaway and few women understand your hobby, passion, retreat, obsession, need, and ONLY option that works besides a lot of meds to destress and cope.  So yeah, again, leaves little else to small talk about.  Therefore, leaves very little on the table to have a common bond with, in other women.

You have no babysitter's left in the pipeline because "one and done" is usually the case for date night's with a new sitter.  Only to have to cancel your plans with others, or postpone reservations...to resolve THIS is why you never go out, its not worth it.

You weigh every outing against the backlash that will ensue upon return home, and for the next 2 days after depending the amount of over-stimulation and difference in environment.

And you trust very few people, because those that just assume you "need to spank them" and do something about their lack of filter and inability to understand social cues...will never understand and its not worth trying to defend yourself.

You can't spend extra money on new outfits, fancy vacations, house remodels because your medical bills are always unexpected and rarely covered by insurance.

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So yes, if she could only remember this IS why she was created different.  Possibly misunderstood. And most often the cause of intimidation because of her bold strength, confident silence, and serious demeanor.  

Because God knew He would need her for her kids, the ones He planned for her before He created her in the womb.  And the ones who need HER to be just who she is, FOR them.  Then she wouldn't struggle so much somedays'.

-Anna

Your Daughter Is...

I have walked through the IEP process in school with Blake for 5 years now.  We discuss his deficiencies, his strengths, we match goals to his current abilities. We discuss how best to help him. And its pretty straightforward. I've had a blessing with great staff, therapists, and administrators who graciously handle his IEP in a way that keeps him as the main focus, for the all of these years.

And with Down Syndrome, overall, its typically what you see is what you get.

Yesterday we sat down for another meeting for my daughter. She has undergone IEP accommodation testing the past few months, after we resolved to see if she would qualify.  School is difficult for her in many ways. And its unfair. I hate that she can't learn like other kids learn.  Or she can't relate to her peers like other kids her age.

She had a diagnosis of Asperger's many year's ago and I always felt it wasn't accurate.  So maybe that's me in denial, or maybe that's my mom gut.  We have adjusted diet. We have done counseling. We have done family therapy. We have provided after school tutoring.  We work at home as much as we can on her areas of struggle.  We have added interventions at school for her. We include her in activities she can thrive in and also learn from.  We work to set an example for her.  Teach her. 

And yesterday I kept fighting this feeling of..."it wasn't enough."

As you listen to the staff list off where she struggled, where she had deficiencies, where she came up short...it is REALLY HARD...not to feel guilty.  Could we have done more? Should we have tested earlier?  Why can't she just learn like others?  We didn't make the right choices. We shouldn't have moved so many times...

The same concept I scream, preach and encourage YOU all to fight for "i am enough."  Left me hanging yesterday.  I didn't feel I was enough for a few hours there.  It's heart-breaking to feel like if you would have only "coulda shoulda woulda"...

Things could be different for her.

And as we drove home, she was tired. Hangry. And insecure about what the next few months of her school will look like...I blocked out her words...and I just kept fighting off the lies in my head trying to convince me I had failed her. Because I fully knew that wasn't true.

And as I went live last night to share with you all about "the journey." Enduring the struggle, embracing the hardships, and sticking to it--not being a Quitzilla...because the end result/transformation would be worth it.  I thought to myself.  These words are just as important for me to hear as anyone else.

And so here we go...embracing the hardship of another journey in my life, helping a child who loves school but can't learn the way others learn---find a way to learn. And cope.  That is unique to her.

And so begins...

Operation: LEARN.

So here I am, being transparent, open, and real with you about my new journey...one that I'm going to confidently embrace the hardship of knowing for my daughter's transformation and sake...it will be worth it!

--->>If you missed my LIVE broadcast last night, hop on over to: fb.com/anna.woods.homegym and scroll down to LIVE video's.  <<---

To the Mom's "Who Just Want a Healthy Baby"

I remember I used to say that.

"I don't care if we have a baby boy or baby girl, I just want her to be healthy."

Blake was proud to be Baker Blake yesterday.

Not that I was wrong for saying it. But now I look back after a lot of life experience and wonder what I truly meant by that.

Like I want my baby to have 5 finger's and toes?

Or I want my baby to look and act like other babies?

Hmmm. I'm not sure I even really knew what I was saying when I said it.

But now my whole view is different, and I look at "healthy" babies and kids in a whole new light.

I have 2 kids with special needs.

1 child has Down Syndrome.

1 child has Sensory Processing/Speech/Language/Anxiety and other diagnoses.

And they are both healthy in my eyes.

I follow a lot of friends on Facebook, other mom's and dad's who's kids have different diagnoses and I look at their kids as AMAZING little humans in this world who probably have a better grip and understanding on life than us all.

In fact, most of my experiences with kids with special needs has lead to me learning something about myself, my perspective, my views, my intentions and SO much more.

Could it be our fear of our kids being unhealthy is a direct reflection of our own insecurities or inabilities?  It might magnify our struggles or true heart.

Or are we fearful we won't be able to take care of or meet the needs of our child with special needs? Because in my experience, God knows what He's doing and if designed us to be these kiddo's parents, then we are more than equipped.

I don't know the answers.  I'm still trying to figure them out myself.

But what I do know is, These special kids are LIFE-CHANGER'S.  Their momma's and daddy's can attest to that.  Their teacher's and para's and Sunday School teacher's will agree with that.  These kid's have a purpose and a light inside them that none of us can ever have. Even if they don't seem to have a voice. They WILL have an impact we quote "normal" people can never have. Sometimes through unspoken, indescribable words.

And I don't know about you...but I'm HONORED to be a mom of 2 children who may have a medical diagnoses as unhealthy...but who's hearts and soul's can light up a room, a community, and a world. 

Here are a few of my favorite family's who's lives are impacted by kid's with special needs BUT who are better off because of it.  DON'T get me wrong, there are days we hate the conditions our kids have to go through and we hate what their diagnosis does to them...and it's NOT easy.  BUT they are our children and we will fight for them however we can.  And because of that, we are stronger.

Because I Am Her.

I like going out with friends... But it can be SO energy sapping for me.  And I have no clue why.

I like socializing with other women and interacting.  But I come home SO worn out.

I would love to be out and about with all of the events I am invited too, but I also know I have to leave most of my energy on RESERVE.  It's what we mom's do.  Especially us mom's of a child with a behavioral disorder.  You never know what you are going to have to deal with...and when.  A flip can be switched at anytime...and you have to be in full on-call parenting ability, to put out fires, and control the chaos.  And try to remain patient.

It's become a parenting protective mechanism I think I've developed over time.  I can't let myself get too exhausted or I can not be a good parent at home.  I know this.  And kids with behavioral issues are VERY sensitive to this exhaustion, as if they almost can pinpoint it and act out as a result.  

But I still find myself perplexed by my inability to enjoy outing's and get -together's without being drained for days after...and it's not ALL my kids fault. ;)

Photo Courtesy of 3Twenty Photography

And here's what I've learned.

I TAKE upon myself the issues of other's.  

You see, I have this sixth sense about struggles people are going through.  It's like I can see right through the face of perfection the people I'm around are trying to portray.  

I can see the sadness behind the pretending perfection.

I can see the desperation behind the perfectly toned body on display.

I can see the need for affirmation behind the "good 'ol gal" heart.

I can see the fear behind the designer jeans and purses.

I can see the exhaustion behind the people pleasing.

And not only can I see it.  I feel it. 

Because I have been her.

I AM HER.

I know what it's like to experience all of these things.  It's tiring.  It's wearing.  But what I've learned most of all, is it doesn't have to be that way.

When we realize no one has it all together.  Everyone has their own skeletons in their closet.  We are all imperfect.  And most of us are just one step away from a break down...

We can let ourselves off the hook.  We give ourselves permission to be broken.  Therefore we give other's the ability to be broken too.

And it is the most freeing thing you can ever experience. It's indescribable with words.

And I LONG for every person to experience this freedom from shame, guilt, fear, and hopelessness.

And THAT's what exhausts me.  I finally figured it out.  

My heart breaks.  My soul aches.  

My mind stays busy because I so desperately want to say, 

"I see you.  I feel your struggle.  I get it.  And it's OK.  It IS OK!! So just stop.  Just stop all of this...And be you."

To The Mom who Yells...

All mom's yell, I don't care how well you parent.

At any given point in the day, the crumbs on the floor...the pee all over the bathroom wall...the arguing...the talking back...the tantrums at the dinner table over tater tots....
BECOME the tipping point of our day.  And everything from the last day.  The last week. Possibly even the past 6 months comes to a boiling point and needs escape.
And we yell.

Maybe we yell really loud.  Maybe we even scream.

It may not even be directly related to the incident at hand or the child involved...but it is there and it needs to escape.

We feel undervalued.

We are out of patience.

We have our own agenda in mind that isn't being achieved.

We are in a hurry.

We are resentful.

We can't put to words why we feel like we do.

I am one of them.
But here is where I am at in this journey of motherhood...

1) Rest.  Sleep.  We as mom's need it.  Yesterday I had a HUGE mess of laundry and dirt and dishes and my kids were still at school for another hour. I was so tired, BUT I could see the mess around me knowing it needed addressed.  But I closed my eyes and sat down and rested for an hour.  I slept. I woke up feeling better.  And had a better evening. If I hadn't, I would be so tired by supper that every little thing, like spilling a drink on the floor, would send me over the edge.  And I would YELL...and be met with tearful eyes and perplexed looks over my extreme anger over such a normal childhood mishap.

2) Don't let the disrespect or tantrums escalate you to anger.
I quit giving warnings. I quit counting to 3.  I quit giving meaningless threats.  Here's 1 thing I have learned, especially with kids like mine with special needs and attention...address the ISSUE right away.  Kids are typically wanting boundaries, they are seeking it through their actions.  So nip it in the butt right away BEFORE they continue to escalate in their behavior and YOUR TEMPER seeming rises to a boiling point and you REACT. (and yell)

3) Stop Multi-Tasking.
WHOA. This one is a hard one for me. I used to try to do the dishes, do the laundry, prepare supper and try to help my kids with spelling words or learn how to do new tricks ALL at the same time.  And when I'd burn the food, break a dish, and my kid was in tears because I wasn't watching their new trick..I would YELL.  So now I give them attention first, hear them out, give them my FULL focus...and send them on their way FULFILLED.  

4) Don't push an agenda.  
Part of my angry yelling was from REACTING.  REACTING to my frustration with not getting my way.  I had set it in my mind I was working out at 6:00 am and my youngest would get up at 5:30 am and want to watch cartoons, have a drink, and was hungry...AHHH!  I NEEDED my time. I DESERVED my workout time. And I would obsess about it until I got it done. AND sometimes I would take my anger over not getting my workout in ON her. And YELL.

5) Lower your expectations.
This may sound terrible. But I had to lower my expectations of my kids behavior and realize things weren't going to go as planned...MOST of the TIME.  Like when we went to the movies, and I took my son's ear plugs because he hates loud noises.  We got into the movie, we had our popcorn, kids were all settled and the movie started....AND my son jumped in my lap, through his ear plugs down on the floor, grabbed my neck and began crying. OUT loud.  And would NOT stop.  And I got mad. WHY?? This was supposed to be a fun family event together, watching a good warm, fuzzy movie. And he was ruining it.  And I wanted to YELL.  And probably would have, had we not been in a movie theatre.  I had to get over myself, recognize his needs, and realize this was the struggle we were going to have...and it would be FINE.

6) Just say no.

Another reason I would YELL.  Because I would give of myself 100% to everyone, all day. Being everything, to everyone.  Meeting everyone's emotional needs.  Answering every text, message, and phone call with patience and empathy.  I would let people walk all over me and it would be okay.  And I would say yes to every ball practice, every play practice, every after school activity, every church event, every fundraiser because I wanted to be a good mom.  AND it only made me a bad mom.  It would be 6 pm and my patience and will-power and control would be GONE.  I did not leave any in the tank for anyone else.  The "else" being the most important people in my life.  And I would YELL at every little thing.  So now I run on a reserve tank.  I set boundaries. I say no. And I value my patience and time for my kids.

7) I make sure I get time for my stress reliever as often as I can.
I lift heavy weights. Throw around bars. Learn new skills. And improve my fitness.  It's how I relieve my stress.  It has helped me through many tough times.  And still continues to today. We invested in a home gym so I can visit my stress reliever more easily...AND I can teach my kids the importance of relieving stress in a healthy way as well.

8) You are the mom, trust your gut. AND surround yourself with people who can help you BUT also know your true colors AND the environment and situation with your kids. Don't believe everything you read.
This one has so many levels, for me especially. And it may make some people mad...but here it goes.  I used to read James Dobson, I read Baby Wise. I read SO many strong-willed, discipline your child, this is how you do it books. AND I would get SO mad.  SO mad.  My child did NOT respond to these methods. These Godly, Biblical-lead methods that I was being preached as the only way.  And they did NOT work.  I prayed over my child. I disciplined her. I read her Scripture.  I saw how it worked for other mom's AND I would get SOOO mad.  I would YELL. Why didn't this method of doing it God's way work for me?!  It was supposed too. It was Biblical.  And yet, it only made my situation with my child worse.  And I realized my child was different.  BUT it took me accepting it first.  Then, it took me letting go of all I was taught as being the norm and working, and realizing I had to forge my own way.  I had to do what I felt was best for my child.  And work with her, and help her in a non-typical way.  And all then, only, then...was I able to release some anger and frustration at myself, my inabilities, and my "less-than" mentality I had imposed on myself for not being able to raise my child like I was being told was the "way."  And my anger subsided, my frustrations with her seemingly inability to follow the rules...my pride for feeling disrespected constantly by her actions and tendencies...her lack of seeing the black and white rules all kids were "supposed" to follow...AND KNOW deep down, she was different, and therefore needed handled different.  And I didn't have to be mad anymore, mad it didn't work, mad I wasn't good enough, and join her in the struggle and work with her through it...in a loving way. With empathy and understanding.  And I was able to stop YELLING.

9) Let your kids in your life.
I used to get so angry when they would try to help me. Or get in the way. Or beg to help me with a task I was already struggling with.  "Man! Just get out of my way so I can get this food cooked..." Or "leave me alone so I can get my workout done! UGH, LEAVE me alone!"  "No you will make a huge mess, you can't do this with me..."  When I slowed DOWN, for one.  When I stepped back and realized they weren't trying to purposely annoy me. Or get in my way.  When I took my own "needs" out of the picture for awhile, and realized they wanted to just be with "me" or do what "I'm doing"..the anger turned to compassion.  For some reason, it never crossed my mind they actually might want to spend time with me or learn from me....FOR a very long time.  I would watch my husband be so patient and giving of his time and talent.  Or my in-laws or parents let them make messes and I could see how much fun my kids would have with that...and realized they weren't actually trying to ruin my life...haha, they wanted to be a part of it.  I would stop YELLING so much.

10) Communicate better. 
I would get so mad when I'd yell out 2-3 directions or chores or things I wanted completed when I'd get home from work or class...and I'd return home to find NOTHING done.  Or it was only half-done or done completely wrong.  And I would YELL.  And I'd be SO mad at the disrespect. The carelessness.  And never feeling like I was being heard. Man, worst feeling ever to be white noise in a house full of people you'd give your life for.  And here's what I learned...my kids were not understanding my 3 yelled statements of chores.  I was not communicating exactly what I wanted in a way they could process.  Especially my oldest with sensory processing issues, my son who can't hear, and my baby. (ha! makes me laugh now looking back at my disgust in my kids and their lack of doing chores, when I now know their short-comings)  So now I write my list down of chores for the week. Each day has an assignment...they know ahead of time the expectation for the week...and NO more of me throwing a chore in at the last minute, demanding them to do it as extra because I am mad....and then getting mad when its not done when I return home.  It has to be clearly communicated for them to understand and complete...that's on ME. Not them.  They DO love me, they just don't understand what I want.

A Movement...

"Today I fought for my kids...Tomorrow I fight for me."

I remember listening to a podcast a long time ago about leadership and coaching...

The one sentence stuck with me that said "as a leader you want to leave a wake long after your presence, as in creating a movement...not promoting a product or program...but in building up people with who you are..."

And that resonated with me on so many levels. But here is what's funny...I've been racking my brain on what that movement could be. How I could employ it. And why. 

In the meantime, I've just been sharing my passion for fitness. Giving my best tips of what I know. Messaging with others who have questions or concerns. Providing workout and accountability solutions for those who ask. And speaking from the heart.  Halfway feeling like my mom and mother in law were the only ones watching.

That's it. I put my thoughts and ideas out there in real and raw ways. I take videos with a sweaty face and messy hair, kids running around in the background, dog eating my sweats. I'm just being me.

And the past few days I have started to see something. And feel it. And while I keep feeling God promoting me to "wait." "Be still, let me work." And in my mind it means nothing's happening.

Something IS happening.

Screenshots of my new sheSTRENGTH sweatpants.

People excited to try out my new apparel line.

I get 15-some picture messages of people wearing sheSTRENGTH gear. MY GEAR. Supporting my program. And PROUD to wear it.

Then, I compete in a Crossfit event yesterday to support epilepsy. A friend and I loved the cause and the push in our workouts at home, so we signed up to compete together. 

And we won.

But that's not what I am getting at.
Yes, sheSTRENGTH is a program. It's a home fitness program for women to learn how to strength train and start doing CrossFit like workouts at home.  That is the base structure.  It comes through email form (for now) and includes video's, descriptions, AND coaching from me daily through an online website.  It also comes with a built-in community of women to support, encourage, and motivate you on your good days and bad. We focus on mindset and confidence.

Ya ya ya. I made that. I love coaching it. And I have about 70 women who are working with me currently on a day to day basis.

BUT, what I haven't seen.  Or what I've not realized is...sheSTRENGTH has become something SO MUCH MORE.

It is friends driving an hour one-way to cheer you on...as in someone who works out with you as part of your sheSTRENGTH program.

Lauren L. Przymus shared Anna M Woods Fitness's photo.

20 hrs · 

To watch someone you love and admire absolutely shine and light up an entire gym......priceless. And to meet a new friend and just know your life will be impacted by her......priceless. Thank you, Anna Woods and Raven Kimberely. It was a pleasure to watch and learn from you both today.

And she records your workouts for you...

And then while there, you meet multiple women you have met through your Anna Woods Fitness facebook page and they share their stories and their excitement for strength training, and competing, and working towards goals they never thought they'd ever complete...

And you receive messages of gratitude for your motivation the next day...

Clancy Mouton-Hoheisel

4 hrs · 

After the adrenaline and excitement of yesterday's competition is over ... I am reflecting on many things that pushed me to want to do this and helped me get better everyday! First my guy Chad he is such a great coach to me when we work on skills at home .. always patient and encouraging. The peeps who came over to our house for skill work Brad, Christina, Danielle, Brandon, Jessica, a of course my partner Kimberly who said yes to being my partner showed up for every skill practice and pushed me more than she knows!

My coaches Kansas Strength & Performance Brian Smarsh, Jonah Ungles & Jordan Ungles for working with me and preparing me for this. You programming and encouragement is amazing!

My 5am peeps who also push me and encourage everyone and our gym as a whole is just so supportive and that is motivation for me to keep getting better everyday.

Anna Woods and #shestrength-I have watched you online and your posts are motivating ,your honestly,realness and huge heart are like no other! Glad I was able to meet you yesterday.

Finally the support as a community who donated, came together for this competition all the competitors, coaches and gym owners who came out yesterday for a great cause to support my friend Jessica Seiler and her little girl Clara to raise money for the Epilepsy Foundation of Missouri & Kansas to help find a cure was just heart melting!
#teamclara

And Jessica is an aunt to Cindy, a client I exercise with at Disability Supports.

I didn't even get pictures with everyone who stopped in over their lunch break, between military drill's (Sarah), the messages from women I barely knew that popped up in my phone throughout the day cheering Raven and I on.

And probably most impacting, are the messages from people I have never met, from all over, saying they've been prompted to pray for me...at the most odd times of the day and night.  I've received messages from women saying they woke up at 3 am, 4 am...and God laid my name and my cause upon their heart to pray for...

Ok, so first off I would like to say I am not crazy and I am sorry we haven't had a chance to get to know each other better so you would know that first hand...with that on the table... this morning I woke up at 3:57 am... you were the first thing I thought of Anna Woods... seriously God was waking me... I prayed for you, your husband, your beautiful children, your business and that God knows your heart and your deepest desires that they may be fulfilled... sorry may seem strange but God works in mysterious ways... may you be blessed...

Whoa. Completely humbled.

And as you lie in bed that night...tired, but heart is full.  Mind is going 100 mph.  You realize you have created a movement..you ARE creating a movement.  By simply being you.  By sharing the good and the bad. By being available.  By defying the norm in the fitness industry.  By praying with people and for them. By sharing you world with those around you.

All from an iphone and barn gym out in the middle of Kansas.
So I say all that to say this,

Do NOT discount the power of your story. Your words. Your truth.  No matter how meaningless and unimportant you may feel in this world...as in a stay at home mom, who works out in her barn to deal with stress, and simply shares her thoughts with those around her.  You CAN have an impact.  Start a movement.  Be someone for somebody.