The Silent Prayers.

The best advice I ever received related to my thinking and approach now, when it comes to serving, came from a single mom of teenagers, who worked full-time, and had her own set of demons to manage.  

We were at a women's event at church. People were discussing all the ways they served in the church. Nursery. Children's church. College hour. Service Saturday's. Mission work overseas. Bible School. Mom's night out during the week. Food prep for funerals and weddings.  And I remember sitting there listening to everyone share their good deeds.  And was so impressed with all they did, could do, and were planning to do.  

I remember thinking "how do they do it all?" I had 3 children, 2 within a similar age to each other. Two with special needs not including that one was just adopted from an orphanage.  And yet as I sat there, I felt this heaviness...like I wasn't doing "enough."  

And it haunted me for a long while.  I would think about signing up for the next big event and then Jerad would be called into work and I'd have to cancel. Or I'd be up with Blake all night before a morning service project --after he had night terrors.  And I would have to back out.

I felt worthless. I couldn't do it all like they seemingly were able.  And although these were lies I was allowing myself to believe...I felt I had nothing to offer.

I loved fitness. Working out.  I was always uncomfortable around large groups of women because I never seemed to relate to a lot of their struggles.  I had my own.  

And one day, while finally releasing this heaviness of not feeling like I was "enough" to this single mama--because I couldn't contribute to the service projects of the community, church, and women's groups...I told her I felt horrible like I should apologize because I had nothing to offer.

And I'll never forget the words she said to me..."ANNA...you are a momma of young kids, ones with special needs, just because you don't make a physical appearance at these community events so your presence can be known and praised...doesn't mean you can't contribute in other ways.  Girl, NEVER, ever EVER discount the power of a written note and a prayer."

She went on to tell me she spent many of her year's looking out for women she felt God laid on her heart, or who she personally witnessed needing a "pick me up" and she would mail them a handwritten note telling them she was thinking of them, and spoke whatever wisdom she had from her heart into their life. She said she had no idea the number of letter's she had written over the year's as her kids were young.  She said, "yeah, nobody saw my presence or even knew of my letter's unless they had received one..." but it made no difference to God.  I was sending written and silent prayers that WERE JUST AS POWERFUL...and gave me a sense of purpose and service.

From that week on, my entire outlook of serving was changed. I spent my time buying up cheap stationary. I walked around with open eyes looking and searching for who desperately wanted attention and need to be noticed. Seeing who might need a lift. Possibly, just a recognition and affirmation of who they are and were...and I would put my pen to paper.

Now my handwritten notes have since turned more into messages on facebook or email's...simple snaps on snapchat...or an IG video.  But the concept still remains.  I NOW believe and KNOW the power of the silent prayers and spoken/written words. Other's may not know, but that's ok. The people who do know, were supposed too know.  

And for that, I feel I have a purpose. My gifts are "enough." And I am serving in this stage of life as I can, with my kids situations, and needs...God has given me a outlet--AND for that I'm thankful. <3

To the Mom's "Who Just Want a Healthy Baby"

I remember I used to say that.

"I don't care if we have a baby boy or baby girl, I just want her to be healthy."

Blake was proud to be Baker Blake yesterday.

Not that I was wrong for saying it. But now I look back after a lot of life experience and wonder what I truly meant by that.

Like I want my baby to have 5 finger's and toes?

Or I want my baby to look and act like other babies?

Hmmm. I'm not sure I even really knew what I was saying when I said it.

But now my whole view is different, and I look at "healthy" babies and kids in a whole new light.

I have 2 kids with special needs.

1 child has Down Syndrome.

1 child has Sensory Processing/Speech/Language/Anxiety and other diagnoses.

And they are both healthy in my eyes.

I follow a lot of friends on Facebook, other mom's and dad's who's kids have different diagnoses and I look at their kids as AMAZING little humans in this world who probably have a better grip and understanding on life than us all.

In fact, most of my experiences with kids with special needs has lead to me learning something about myself, my perspective, my views, my intentions and SO much more.

Could it be our fear of our kids being unhealthy is a direct reflection of our own insecurities or inabilities?  It might magnify our struggles or true heart.

Or are we fearful we won't be able to take care of or meet the needs of our child with special needs? Because in my experience, God knows what He's doing and if designed us to be these kiddo's parents, then we are more than equipped.

I don't know the answers.  I'm still trying to figure them out myself.

But what I do know is, These special kids are LIFE-CHANGER'S.  Their momma's and daddy's can attest to that.  Their teacher's and para's and Sunday School teacher's will agree with that.  These kid's have a purpose and a light inside them that none of us can ever have. Even if they don't seem to have a voice. They WILL have an impact we quote "normal" people can never have. Sometimes through unspoken, indescribable words.

And I don't know about you...but I'm HONORED to be a mom of 2 children who may have a medical diagnoses as unhealthy...but who's hearts and soul's can light up a room, a community, and a world. 

Here are a few of my favorite family's who's lives are impacted by kid's with special needs BUT who are better off because of it.  DON'T get me wrong, there are days we hate the conditions our kids have to go through and we hate what their diagnosis does to them...and it's NOT easy.  BUT they are our children and we will fight for them however we can.  And because of that, we are stronger.

When You Don't Feel You Compare

The end of the year for entrepreneurs involves a lot auditing, figuring, organizing and preparing for the next year's taxes. As I've scrolled through our finances it is sometimes hard not to see the fruits of my efforts with my fitness businesses...especially with the hopes and goals I have and where I'm at right now. Seems like you work so hard and don't have anything to show for it.

Because according to all my other entrepreneur friends...

I wasn't able to buy a new vehicle.

We didn't go on a lavish vacation.

I wasn't able to spoil my kids with memorable trips.

We didn't remodel the bathroom.

And that's what I see and have fallen into a trap of comparing with.

Because what I have forgotten is:

We have a son with extra physical needs meaning I had to write checks for his dental sedation appointments at a hospital instead of a regular dentist.

I had to pay for a cardiology appointment just to get approval for the dentist. 

I had to pay for lab work for the cardiologist because insurance is saying Down Syndrome isn't a medical condition. 

We had to restart some therapies for some unspoken struggles. 

We have to drive to Kansas City (3+ hours away) for appointments every few months. 

And we were able to pay for it all. Out of our monthly income. On time.

So while it isn't glamorous or noteworthy...it's the truth that is our lives. And I'm grateful to say we signed each check with confidence to provide for our family. 

This is our life. And we chose it. And I'm choosing to be INCREDIBLY grateful I have a job that allows the freedom of time and money. Even if it isn't a beach-setting! Ha!