I have been married 12 1/2 years.
I am not claiming to know it all or know anything, for that matter.
But what I do know is what I have experienced, personally.
So if I could write a letter to myself, early in my marriage this is what it would say.
Dearest Strong, Fearless, Independent, Optimistic Anna;
You married one of the most kind, loving, selfless men. He is a quiet soul. He doesn't share his emotions or speak well as to what he is feeling. But he loves hard. Despite his not being able to share it openly. He is a perfect balance to your carefree, every-moving mind and body. He is your down-to-earth calm in the storm. He is the gentle voice bringing you back to earth when your head is in the clouds.
1) So don't mistake his quietness for not caring. Don't assume you know his thoughts and the reason behind is seemingly disconnect from what you are doing and are excited to be doing someday. He does care. He really does. You have to learn he needs time to process his emotions related to what he feels and thinks. So maybe dropping him a note in his lunchbox or sending him a text with a quick thought about what you want to share with him will give him time to prepare and gather his thoughts on the subject. And sometimes, maybe, a written note or text is the best communication.
I GUARANTEE you will be surprised by his response. His excitement for what you are dreaming about. And he will be happy with you but he will also have another side of the issue to bring to your attention...so don't eat him alive when he poses an antagonistic viewpoint you may not have considered.
2) Also, slow down. You don't have to do all the housework. You don't have to clean every dish after supper. You don't have to do all the laundry and chase all the kids every night, while he takes a break on the couch for a few minutes. Yes, he seems not to care or pay any attention to your huffing and puffing around the kitchen. Yes, you are annoyed and bitter and he doesn't even seem to notice...BUT, he will NEVER notice. He doesn't see what you see. Until you ask him, gently, to help, he won't. So don't get mad about it. Don't hold it all in and explode later.
Simply ASK for help. You are no less of a woman if you do. Most times he is glad to help. He didn't know you needed it.--you always seem so strong and independent he rarely sees you in a situation of need. And sometimes, just throw the dish towel down. Leave the kitchen a mess and go sit with him. Join him in his space for a change. He might actually have something to teach you...it's OK to not do it all, all the time.
3) Be mindful of his spirit. Being married to someone like you isn't always easy. You go, go go. You are motivated. Driven. Confident. And out-going. He isn't. He doesn't necessarily want to share you with everyone else all the time. He doesn't love group dates and large get-together's. So when he drags his feet for another social outing or party that you are excited about going too, and he seems to be the party pooper, know that is isn't YOU. It isn't the party, he wants YOU and your 1-1 attention ONLY. See that as a compliment, NOT a curse. He wants to love what you love and do what you do... Don't discount him for that. Love him for it.
4) Make time for him. Daily. Put him first. You have a huge heart for everyone around you. You give of yourself 100% all the time and sometimes that leaves little energy for him. And at 10 pm in bed at night when he finally gets you to himself, in quiet, and he wants to chat, among other things, and you are SO exhausted its annoying....remember you didn't allow him into your life at any other time of the day. You put your job first. Your clients first. Your workout first. Your kids first. Your friends first. EVERYTHING else. But him...so make time for him. Find a way to connect daily. Maybe that means, stepping back from working out so hard and making it all about you...and allowing him into your daily stress-reliever and passion--if even for just 20 minutes. And let it be okay that your kids know this time is important.
5) Make memories with him. Yeah, you love going and doing. You love learning and experiencing. You are always up for a challenge and going strong in whatever is at hand. But that's not always his style. Let him lead every once in a while. Let him choose what he wants to do. Let him be creative and serve you. And enjoy it. It might not be what you would really like to be doing. It may sound like the worst thing in the world, but it is important to him. So relax. And make a memory out of it. Even in the small things. You will find yourself laughing about those little life experiences year's down the road.
6) Listen to him. You tend to be stubborn. Your mind goes a thousand miles an hour and sometimes you are so excited about what you have to say....you interrupt. Or ignore his wisdom. He truly does know you best. He knows what is best for you. He can see things you don't. It's why he balances you perfectly. So truly listen to him and take what he says seriously. He is your best ally. Quit seeing his truth and wisdom and guidance as a threat or as an assumption on your part that he is a fun-hater...or he doesn't want you to be happy. (yes, I know ridiculous, but does sometimes become a thing in my head) He wants all of this for you...but he also sees you wearing yourself thin again and doesn't feel this is in your best interest. So respect him. And absorb what he is saying. It is because he cares. He cares so much that he spoke truth to you, even though he knew you might react and get mad....he still said it.
Love,
Anna
A much wiser, respectful, caring and happy wife 12 1/2 years later.
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So TRUE!!! LOVE THIS!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI was totally feeling this! Great blog! It made me really think about a lot of things I too, experience in my marriage. Thank you for putting this in that different perspective! ❤
ReplyDeleteThanks girl.
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